i think there’s not much love btwn us anymore. to me, it’s more like screwed up love on my side it’s mixed with anger and hatred.
to him, it’s just insignificant and small. not worth the time and effort to give me any surprises and mk me change wat i feel abt him.
asked him if he loves me but he gave such a shaky ans. like totally unconvincing.
the more i think about it. the more irritated i get. i mean , did you even ASK ME WHETHER I WANT TO WATCH THE STUPID PERFORMANCE? WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IF IM FREE THEN I SHOULD GO AND WATCH IT. WHAT IF I DONT WANT TO WATCH IT? JUST COS IT’S FREE AND I SHOULD GO? woa then all the seminars and talks all got free lunches and teas. so i should go for all of them? stop being such a kiam and a shrimp. what the fuck. i am not going for the stupid performance. even if i am free. so what if you secured the tickets. i didnt ask you to . you asked for 7 of them. obviously you wanted to spend the time with an entire group of friends rather than just me. then fine. you dont need my company, then go ahead and watch it and enjoy it with ur friends. fuck fuck fuck.i dont care if you got them painstakingly. you didnt even ask if i am free or if i want to go in the first place. so why should i comply to your terms and just appear there nxt to you and wait for you to be entertained by dance and the company of your friends. just get lost. i despise you.
as time passes by
after a while, i forget to be angry anymore. though by right, i really should still be angry. cos vday has passed and gone. and it being my first ever significant vday, he did not do anything. i was disappointed and angry and mad and annoyed. i still am. but somehow i give up. i cant be angry with so many people for so long everyday. things just catch up with me. and i dont have the time and the attention to spare for anger. it’s something bad and toxic to our body and our soul. if given the chance, i’d like to forgive and forget too. just that the thing is, he still doesnt know that he had done wrong. and he’s not making the effort for any ammendments.
he wants to go for a free dance concert on sat. i am not free for that. i mean i am free. but if i’m free, i’d rather use the time to watch a movie, like the butterfly movie or ps i love u, even they may not be free. but the opportunity cost is much lower. since they are things that i enjoy doing and have been yearning to do. but he just dont get it. so forget it. i’d rather spend my time holing up at home and bluff him that i’m going out instead. cos if i give the excuse that i’m going out with friends, he wouldnt have a reason to drag me away to watch some lousy dance performance. and i definitely dont want to go back to sch on a saturday.
since raffles hall had won handball championship, they are out partying and he’s probably having a whale of a time. for he msged me and ignored the rest. and well, surprisingly, i’m able to concentrate on my assignment much better. and less sleepy as before. and i’m coming here to relieve myself of the pent up dialogue that has been building up within me for typing that essay for ese. it’s like i have so much to say, but the number of words is limited. as well as the tr module. which i felt silly and misunderstood for. i hate that module. cos i hate my group. they are such a weird bunch of people. esp those two from sde. they are just super weird. real estate. aggressive. check. illmannered. check. invocal. check. poor eq. check. how are they ever going to sell any properties!? i certainly will not buy from them. from now on, i shall dislike real estate people.
i want to go shopping.alone. turnip sucks.
if all the raindrops were..
lemon drops and gum drops, oh what a rain it would be.
standing and singing with my mouth open wide,
la la la la la la la la la la
if all the raindrops were lemon droops and gum drops, oh what a rain it would be!
i m going crazy that i’m singing such a song on such a rainless day. one thing good? abt khatib is that, it has yet rained since i’ve shifted here.
point is. what i want to say to turnip is that.
treat me how you want to be treated.
vday: you liked it when you received something, you like it when you receive something, a gift of love, a loving gesture, a loving look, or even a kind word. but you said nothing.
how do you think i’d feel. when all the girls and lovers and friends are experiencing some kind of love, even if on a minuscule level and there you were, questioning me, being angry with me. everything but loving me, not saying anything nice or kind. quite the opposite, you were harsh and selfish.
i don’t feel anything for you anymore. you’ve dashed my last hopes of having any faith in you. you are disappointing.
you say i don’t show any signs of conern. but you don’t deserve my concern in the first place. cos what you ‘ve been showing me is just the same words, same time, same phrases over and over again that they’ve already lost their meaning.
how many times do you even say those three words.
how many times do you even look at me.
i’ve had enough. i feel trapped with you.
vday
im meeting shan and sid. hahar. the irony. of course ill be meeting turnip. but only in class. i just received an email from a turnip. well, it’s the longest ever since! and i should be glad. i am! i truly am. thing is, it’s full of what a turnip is doing. his schedules his datelines. alright then, i get it. there just isnt enough space for everything.
happy valentine’s!
on my way to sch in 10min.
i wish i was in a state of zen
really truly seriously sincerely. my mind and soul is in a state of mess now. that’s why i’m blogging and typing madly away at the keyboard. cos sometimes i think blogging helps me to keep in touch with my inner soul. and helps me to tune out the zaniness and crankiness that i feel sometimes.
i’m in a crappy mood.
i dont feel satisfied with my relationship. basically, i don’t feel much like in a relationship at all. couples usually have endless things to talk about and all that. they are supposed to feel attached to each other. but in my case, there seems to be an escalating feeling of resentment and detachment. incomparable to what i feel with friends. i experience happiness with the later. but with him, i just feel sad dejected disappointed. he raises his voice at me doesnt care about my feelings ignores me completely most of the time, maybe in his light, it doesnt seem like that. but it’s not what i expected out of a relationship at all. i dont feel loved. i dont feel happy. i want to distance myself as far away from him as possible. so that i dont feel the resentment and the silence that i feel when i’m with him. there’s like this cold vacuum sucking the air out from the space between us. such that everything feels so empty and vacant. and i just feel emotionless when with him. lecture time, he doesnt strike a conversation. he sucks the happiness out of me and i cant talk to anybody. with others, i ll talk and voice out wat s on my mind. but with him, i feel so restrained.
i’m crying. i dont know what’s wrong. but i do noe that something is wrong.
with us, we barely talk. i think i talk more with friends than with him. we can ignore each other hours on end. it’s so draining. and tiring.
i dont have an oven. i want to bake stuff on vday for my friends. but the oven’s still at the other house.
stress.
harrf just came back
from kl via jetstar flight number’s 3k 688, touched down at 1724 and i reached at 1718 and he didnt come out till 1745. we exchanged frivolous whatnots and didnt even hug ]: i was waiting with trepidation at the glass door for belt 18 and there he was, sauntering out from another door, and by the time i saw him, i had to bridge the long gap between us. and that removed all excitement from me and wiped off the huggish thought from my mind as well.
ironically, it was due out of convenience that we took the lift, that we hugged and he kissed me on the cheek. not even on the lips. it was cos since he was pushing the trolley, we couldnt possibly manoeuvre the trolley up that. so.
we went in search for dinner. from t1 pass t2 en route to t3. he wanted to eat at the kopitiam, which i was not keen, since it is hawker food, i ‘d rather eat at the staff canteen at t1 and reminisce about the times when i spent with my friends there. so from t3, back to t1 we trudged. harrf’s mood is dampening by every extra step. i could feel it. breathing down my neck in silence, urging me to find the place where i want to eat right that second and settle down for good. i could tell he had enough of me and of walking around with his small, uncumbersome, but ridiculously heavy luggage.
the worst thing was, i forgot the entrance to staff canteen, when voila! we finally arrived at t1. i brought him down the flights of stairs down from deli france. went in search of the eatery among the maze of corridors and lifts and doors. approached two aunties who work there. then finally went back up the flights of stairs and across the terminal to the other end where bk resides, and went down the second round of flights of stairs and eventually we reached.
i had to queue for really long trying to find out which store was nicer. and had to borrow 10 bucks from him. cos i didnt draw money and didnt bring cash. embarrassing! and he was already so irritated with me.
i’m on super stressed mode.
ce2183 assignment due 15th/feb
ssa2211 assignment due 14th feb
ese2401 lab report due 13th feb.
ese 2401 lab report2 due 20th feb.
deadlines.
yipee hooray
yippee yippee hooray hoorayy hahar i’m nuts i’ve gone mad. 3 muds just came into my house to fix the phone line. and it’s done! and i’ve ingeniously set up the dsl for my lappy. so ibm’s churning now on broadband. and not tapping surreptitiously on neighbor’s wireless, which i’ve always felt inconvenienced and guilty for.
now i cant seem to disable the wireless connection. one more disadvantage to the new room: no phone line. i cant use my computer there. and i cant have a phone in my room, unlike previously. unless father comes up with something. the rest of the phone lines in the other rooms are working. and the workmen, after staring at my braless top, (yes i dun wear a bra at home, out of pure comfort really!) told me that i ve to get something called micro filter to filter out the noise for the phone. which is true when he let me listen to the noise. whatever.
i’m in the hall typing this. when i really need to be doing this in the comfort of my room. ughness. things are so inconvenient. and then we had a second quarrel yesterday. i’ve already agreed to shift to this other room, they ‘ve shifted the double bed over, but along with it, robin’s desk! that is a big no no. i dun wanna study in the same room as him. but mother insisted upon it. and after a much hoolabalu. and quarrels and fights, and squabbles.. i agreed to let him in. then he cried. then he insisted on shifting out. he cant stand studying in the same room as me now too.
if she has got any brains. she’d know that we shouldnt be put together too. brainless. old. hag. i hate her now.
chinese new year!
it’s the time of the year again. today’s cny eve to be exact, we are supposed to have steamboat and reunion dinner and lao yu sheng and of course the shui jiao which mother never fails to make every year. but after we’ve shifted here, mom and bro are both sick, we cant really eat much and the mood’s just dampened. sort of. and i’m typing this in sch. it’s so pathetic, my stomach’s growling, i want food. but i’m too lazy to get it. and olive cove is CLOSED!! i cant get the chips from there. which i’m addicted to. of course i can go back and eat those cny goodies. pineapple tarts are my favourite!
anw why am i in sch. i got lab. gross. now i’ve got 2 lab reports due in 1 and 2 weeks’ time respectively and then there’s an assignment from ssa2211 in 1 week’s time. gross. my cny 4 days’ holiday is just gone like that. i need to start work! and i drove to idac today. )): it’s all my bloody stupid fault i think idac is incident and damage accident centre or something like that. igot my license. but at a high price.
there’s no internet connection at home yet. singtel guys are taking a break brought my trusty ibm here. and downloaded the ivle stuff. gg back about now.
happy chinese new year! ((:
argument 1
let’s keep the number rolling. She believes that after we’ve shifted with the good air and the good fengshui, that our family quarrels and disputes will significantly decrease in number. Let’s wait and see.
this shall be the first argument that we’ve had ever since we shifted, which was 2 days ago. we shifted on the 2nd of feb. it’s 4th today, i’ve slept in the new house for 2 days.
brother got sick on the first night, with coughs and the illness developed into something like a fever, and upon analysis from mother, she faithfully believes that it’s because of the room that he slept in. that the POSITION of it is unsuitable for him. so she requested for a swap. of course, if given that the true nature of his sickness is due to the room, then being a sister, i’d rather him not fall ill and get well. and thus the course of action should be changing the room willingly with him. HOWEVER, how true is this theory about him falling sick because of the room!? how can she believe that he falls sick on the first night because the room he’s in is unsuitable, and not of anything else, of other nature?!
personally, i believe that falling sick can be because the new environment is drastically colder in temperature. and thus if he had slept in any room on the first night, he’d have fallen sick anyway. but she refuses to believe or even listen to my theory. she thinks that shifting all the furniture over he’ll get better.
on top of that, i see no way in how the new room will aid in his recovery. since, it is colder than his previous room. cos it’s towards the open air, while his older room is towards the opposite block.
i dont like it. at first we are ok with it. now i’m not ok with it. i like the view from the room, i dont like to see the other block. this room is bigger. and all. and there’s an air con, even though there’s no use to it.
she’s shifting the wardrobe right now. without my consent. she and them all think that i’m selfish cos i refuse to let them have the better room. what the hell. i shall just remain in sch and spend minimal time at home, cos i dont like my room.
