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i’m feeling gross with myself. with my parents.♥
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- i’m feeling gross with myself. with my parents.♥
how can they do this to me’
am i not worth their ♥ their care their concern?
what exactly is the big deal if i go out and jog at 9. what’s the fucking difference between jogging and 9 and at 8 pm ANYway.
there is NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE.
food.
oh unglorious food.
what’s wrong with me! seriously, just what’s wrong with me!??
why cant i stop myself from eating, from thinking about food, from tasting them? and the thing is, i’m not even hungry! i’m just eating cos my mouth needs smthn to work on. and i think eating and chewing is smthn for me to work on, at least, if there’s not anything else that i’m doing, albeit there’s a million things waiting for me to do. so my mouth subconsciously attempts to share the burden with my hands eyes and brain, by just simply doing what it is capable of doing! — to munch.
and my body is bearing hte consequences. it’s getting fatter. rounder. clumsier. uglier. i cant bear to look at myself in the mirror.
came back from sheraton hotel just now, the lunch was yummy, deliciously sinful.
terriyaki chicken
apple crumble
cheese and ham
japanese rice
coleslaw with tartar sauce
chocolate muffin
vanilla muffin
traditionally brewed coffee with milk
cookies
cereal cookies.
pastries.
and when i came back,
oh there was such a sumptuous spread!
peanuts
vege egg springsprouts which i really dunno what it was called
keropoke
soya
beansprouts
all very gravy heavy yummy and sinful
no wonder i can barely breathe while i run.
i HAVE TO RUN TMR!!
i’m dying. basically.
and stress the the killer.
major updates.
i got into noc, shanghai, fudan.
broke up with turnip for 10min.
cant bear to let him go
he cant bear to hear abt breaking up
we cant let go of each other.
we got back together.
i’m occupied with a truckload of things like school work.
tmr i m meeting zhiling followed by mugging in school by myself.
sunday’s sia day. which i cant back out now.
i need to jog.
it’s 230am. sleep. without getting anything done.
heres something i’ve read at my workplace on marketing.
You’re at a bar and you see a pretty girl.
You walk up to her and say, “Hi, I’m rich. Will you marry me?”
that’s direct marketing.
You walk up to her and and asked for her number.
The next day, you call her up and say “Hi, I’m rich. Will you marry me?
that’s telemarketing.
Your friend walks up to her and say “Hi, see that guy over there, he’s rich. Marry him.”
that’s advertising.
You straighten your tie, adjust your attire and walk up to her. You offered to buy her drinks and entertained her throughout. As she leaves, you helped her with her coat and her bag. Then as she is about to go off, you say, “By the way, I’m rich. Will you marry me?”
that’s public relations.
The girl walks up to you and says, “Hi, I want to marry you. You’re rich.”
that’s brand recognition.
You walk up to her and before you can say anything, she gives you a nice tight slap.
that’s customer feedback.
♥♥♥♥
030308
it’s a day for celebrations, really. since it’s camman’s birthday as well as the anniversary of turnip and i. yes, it’s been 4 mths, a tumultuous four months that passed, not unhappily, not smoothly, turbulently.
understandably, predictably, turnip again did nothing for our 4mths anniversary. i wait in silence for a miracle to happen for the day when he can finally spring surprises on me and treat me nicely and make me feel like a princess. whoever i’m going to eventually get together with, must, has to, make me feel very much loved and princessy. right now, i dun feel like aprincess at all. even if i do, perhaps a sad, disappointed and frustrated one. time has taught me not to place my hopes to high. so i predicted that he wont do anything. and i cant spare the time either. need to mug, and i am not mugging.
i feel like kicking myself for wasting so much time on those bloody cookies when turnip didnt do anything in return. he doesnt spend on me. he doesnt commit to me.
camman’s birthday was celebrated with a meal at munchies hahar hilariously simple, not so much of a celebration. i was 45min late for the 1hr long lunch appointment. oh well. all’s not lost. laughing the whole way through cos our conversations are still ridiculously absurd.
quizes and study plans remain to be fulfilled. i’m glad there’s no tr2201 lecture tmr. it’s 3hrs long. just kill me. i dun like it.
i think there’s not much love btwn us anymore. to me, it’s more like screwed up love on my side it’s mixed with anger and hatred.
to him, it’s just insignificant and small. not worth the time and effort to give me any surprises and mk me change wat i feel abt him.
asked him if he loves me but he gave such a shaky ans. like totally unconvincing.
the more i think about it. the more irritated i get. i mean , did you even ASK ME WHETHER I WANT TO WATCH THE STUPID PERFORMANCE? WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IF IM FREE THEN I SHOULD GO AND WATCH IT. WHAT IF I DONT WANT TO WATCH IT? JUST COS IT’S FREE AND I SHOULD GO? woa then all the seminars and talks all got free lunches and teas. so i should go for all of them? stop being such a kiam and a shrimp. what the fuck. i am not going for the stupid performance. even if i am free. so what if you secured the tickets. i didnt ask you to . you asked for 7 of them. obviously you wanted to spend the time with an entire group of friends rather than just me. then fine. you dont need my company, then go ahead and watch it and enjoy it with ur friends. fuck fuck fuck.i dont care if you got them painstakingly. you didnt even ask if i am free or if i want to go in the first place. so why should i comply to your terms and just appear there nxt to you and wait for you to be entertained by dance and the company of your friends. just get lost. i despise you.
as time passes by
after a while, i forget to be angry anymore. though by right, i really should still be angry. cos vday has passed and gone. and it being my first ever significant vday, he did not do anything. i was disappointed and angry and mad and annoyed. i still am. but somehow i give up. i cant be angry with so many people for so long everyday. things just catch up with me. and i dont have the time and the attention to spare for anger. it’s something bad and toxic to our body and our soul. if given the chance, i’d like to forgive and forget too. just that the thing is, he still doesnt know that he had done wrong. and he’s not making the effort for any ammendments.
he wants to go for a free dance concert on sat. i am not free for that. i mean i am free. but if i’m free, i’d rather use the time to watch a movie, like the butterfly movie or ps i love u, even they may not be free. but the opportunity cost is much lower. since they are things that i enjoy doing and have been yearning to do. but he just dont get it. so forget it. i’d rather spend my time holing up at home and bluff him that i’m going out instead. cos if i give the excuse that i’m going out with friends, he wouldnt have a reason to drag me away to watch some lousy dance performance. and i definitely dont want to go back to sch on a saturday.
since raffles hall had won handball championship, they are out partying and he’s probably having a whale of a time. for he msged me and ignored the rest. and well, surprisingly, i’m able to concentrate on my assignment much better. and less sleepy as before. and i’m coming here to relieve myself of the pent up dialogue that has been building up within me for typing that essay for ese. it’s like i have so much to say, but the number of words is limited. as well as the tr module. which i felt silly and misunderstood for. i hate that module. cos i hate my group. they are such a weird bunch of people. esp those two from sde. they are just super weird. real estate. aggressive. check. illmannered. check. invocal. check. poor eq. check. how are they ever going to sell any properties!? i certainly will not buy from them. from now on, i shall dislike real estate people.
i want to go shopping.alone. turnip sucks.
if all the raindrops were..
lemon drops and gum drops, oh what a rain it would be.
standing and singing with my mouth open wide,
la la la la la la la la la la
if all the raindrops were lemon droops and gum drops, oh what a rain it would be!
i m going crazy that i’m singing such a song on such a rainless day. one thing good? abt khatib is that, it has yet rained since i’ve shifted here.
point is. what i want to say to turnip is that.
treat me how you want to be treated.
vday: you liked it when you received something, you like it when you receive something, a gift of love, a loving gesture, a loving look, or even a kind word. but you said nothing.
how do you think i’d feel. when all the girls and lovers and friends are experiencing some kind of love, even if on a minuscule level and there you were, questioning me, being angry with me. everything but loving me, not saying anything nice or kind. quite the opposite, you were harsh and selfish.
i don’t feel anything for you anymore. you’ve dashed my last hopes of having any faith in you. you are disappointing.
you say i don’t show any signs of conern. but you don’t deserve my concern in the first place. cos what you ‘ve been showing me is just the same words, same time, same phrases over and over again that they’ve already lost their meaning.
how many times do you even say those three words.
how many times do you even look at me.
i’ve had enough. i feel trapped with you.
